Heartbreak

14 years ago, as I was walking past some houses next to the railroad yard, I came across a puppy. Clearly abandoned, she was shy at first but once I got her in my arms, you could tell all she wanted was love. She was so so small, I found out later that she was probably only about 1 month old when I found her. We named her Jizmo, because she looked just like Gizmo from Gremlins (but that name would have been too "average"). She was all fluff and ears. I remember standing next to the train tracks with her a few days later, a train screaming by us, trying to adjust her to the sounds and movement, hoping that she would be okay with riding them, and okay with the crazy life I was living at that time. I never should have worried. She was a small dog, but only physically. Right off the bat, she was my protector, my buddy, and a constant source of amusement. She not only adjusted well to our life, she thrived. She got to play with other dogs every day, running around parks, walking through cities, a different place every week it seemed like, and she loved it. I loved having her too....she was the one thing that I new I could count on. We traveled together for her first 2.5 years, until she got pregnant in San Fransisco. I didnt want her to have her pups on the street, so we headed back to Oregon and home. She had her puppies, and was a great mama to them. We kept one and named her Tahka, she was a little grey puppy and so full of fun. I think Jizmo really enjoyed having her around....she had always had dogs to play with when we were traveling, but once we got home it was just the occasional visitor. So having Tahka helped keep her young I think...they had so much fun together. A couple years later I ended up finding a new home for Tahka, and it was just Jizmo and myself again. She had a couple other friends....her best friend for a while was a black and white Great Dane...what a funny pair those two made!! But mostly, it was just the two of us. She was a reserved dog with people she didnt know, for her size, she was a great protector. She was loyal, so very forgiving, and really the best that you could ever ask for in a dog. Things slowed down for us once I had Killian. It was hard for both of us to adjust to our new relationship....she was my first "baby" and now that I had Killian, I just didnt have nearly as much time for her. She understood, I think....she was SO good with Killy, and although she wasnt pleased with him at first, she quickly adjusted to her new role in the family. We went through many more ups and downs together, changes in our environment and family. 3 years ago, when Jizzy was about 11, I brought home yet another baby. She was curious at first, and then you could just see her rolling her eyes, thinking "Another one of these things?!!?" She never liked it when Rowan would cry, and would pretty much keep her distance from her, especially when Rowan started crawling. As crotchety as Jizmo was getting in her old age, you could tell she loved Rowan. As she got older, Jizmo started having problems with her teeth. She was just downright stinky this last year or so....her poor teeth where rotting away, and many times we compared the smell to rotten seaweed....Rowan said Jizmo smelled like stinky goldfish. Either way, her breath was getting worse, and her teeth were fading. In the last couple months I also started to notice that she was drinking excessively, she started peeing in the house (something she had NEVER done, despite not living in a house for her first 3 years), she also started sleeping more and more, and eating less and less. Last week I took her to the vet, to have her checked out, and the news wasnt great. They said her teeth and gums were indeed in bad shape, but also they thought she may have cancer, as she was an unspayed female, and apparently most female dogs who havent been spayed dont make it anywhere close to 14 years before getting some form of cancer. She had some other signs of it, but I didnt opt to do any blood work because I knew that no matter what was wrong with her, I wasnt going to put her through all kinds of painful treatments to prolong her life. I wanted her to be pain free and I never wanted her to suffer through anything. She had always been there for me, my best friend, my constant companion, the one "person" that I always knew I could count on. I wasnt going to let her down now. We left the vet that day, and I was still unsure of what to do. I decided to just wait, she had made it this long, I wanted her to be able to play in our new backyard, I know she would have loved it. If not to play in, to sniff around and pee on everything! I started keeping track of what she was eating the day after we left the vet. The first day it took her 24 hours to eat one cup of puppy kibble (the smallest and easiest to eat that I could find). The next day it was almost 48 hours to eat 3/4 of a cup. I got her some wet food, even though she hasnt enjoyed eating it for a couple years, and tried that. Unfortunately, the results weren't much better. She would stand over the plate, staring at it....she would take one or two bites, and stare at it for a while more...a couple more bites, and she would walk away. It was so heartbreaking to watch, she WANTED to eat....she just couldnt. I took another look at her mouth on Tuesday afternoon, after I watched her struggle more with trying to eat. All of her gums where bright red, hugely swollen, and obviously infected. They were so much worse than just a week prior. My heart sank...I didnt want to have her euthanized, but there was no way that I could watch my little buddy starve to death. Watching her try to eat broke my heart, I imagined how hungry she felt, how her tummy was probably cramped up, and how even the instinctual drive to eat couldnt overcome the pain she was feeling. I called and made the appointment with the vet yesterday. The kids and I took some last pictures with her, and when Matthew got home, they all said goodbye to her. I took her for a walk around the neighborhood, and we took it slow. I watched her, tail wagging, sniffing every bush, and peeing on every rock, and I knew that as sad as I was, as hard as this was....it was the right thing to do. I couldnt watch my poor girl suffer any more. The vets office was so kind, after we went in the room they let me just sit with her for a while before they took her back and put in an IV. They brought her back in, and I sat with her a while more, telling her I loved her and that I was going to miss her. When the vet came back in, I put her in my lap, and held her in my arms while they gave her an overdose of anesthesia. She gently collapsed in my arms, and she was gone. I stayed with her for about 20 more minutes, saying goodbye, and petting her, and telling her how much I loved her. I am heartbroken, and feel like I cant cry anymore, but somehow I am. I miss her so much. She didnt do much these last couple months, but just having her presence in the room was comforting. I dont know how long its going to hurt like this. I hope she understood, and that she knew how much I loved her. She will be so terribly missed.

Jizmo at about 3 months old: