The last three months have been really long for us. Trying to figure out whats wrong, dealing with doctor after doctor, and then there is the pain, discomfort and exhaustion I have to work with on a daily basis. We are trying not to worry too much, believing that everything will work out in the end, but there have been moments where we cave in and think about the worst. The kids don't know much about whats going on, other than I don't feel good, and the reason for it is lodged firmly in my lung. Killian thinks the Xrays are cool. I don't want him to worry to much though, so everything he hears has a positive spin on it. Rowan doesn't worry at all, she is still young enough to be in her own little world. When telling people whats going on, and the latest procedure, I really try to stay matter of fact about it and pretend like I am not scared right out of my pants. Never let em see you cry, right? Well, except Matthew, he gets to see the blubbering version of me quite often. Anyways, by distancing myself from it and dealing in only facts, I have convinced myself that this is not really all that serious. A lung biopsy? Like a walk in the park! Possibility of surgery? I might be down a day or two, but then I will be right back to my domestic goddess life.
When I arrived at the hospital for the biopsy, I checked in and then was taken to my room, where I would wait for the next 2.5 hours for my procedure to start. While I was walking back there, amongst people laid out on stretchers, Doctors and nurses everywhere, and that horrible feeling of just being in the hospital, the reality of the situation smacked me right upside the head. For the first time, I let myself acknowledge just how serious this procedure, as everything else about this is. I was about to have a needle stuck through my back, through my muscles, my chest wall, through my lung and into a mass of invasion that could potentially be something very deadly. I let myself soak in the reality of it for a few minutes, as I changed into my hospital gown, and pulled on their ill fitting slipper socks with the skid proof bottoms. I laid down in my bed, and a nurse came in a few minutes later to check me in and give me an IV. As I waited there, for about 2 hours, I tried to push the whole thing out of my mind. I had brought a new book, and I tried to read it but my mind kept wandering. Finally at a little after 10:00am they wheeled me to Radiology and got me ready for the procedure. They gave me anti-anxiety medicine through my IV, a standard procedure I guess, since I wasn't exactly freaking out. I also got the always flattering oxygen tubes up my nose, just in case they said. Nice. I laid on my stomach on the CT machine, and they took a bunch of films to figure out the placement of the mass. Usually they have you take in a deep breath and hold it while they take the picture, but that put the mass right behind a rib. So after about 4 scans, they figured that wouldn't work, so I ended up exhaling and holding it, so that they would be able to get to where they needed to be. When they had the placement right, the doctor came in and stuck about 4 shots of numbing medicine into my back, I only felt the first two though. Then he said exhale and hold it, and jammed the biopsy needle in. It hurt then, but when he said I could breath again, oh boy. I could feel that needle in my lung, I could feel it moving as I breathed, and I can almost imagine what its like to be stabbed. It hurt like hell. He then took 3 biopsy's, all of them felt like he was smacking his fist against the needle in my back. I had to hold absolutely still through it all, because if I moved, we would have to start back at square one. When it was over, they took out the needle and pushed on my back, hard, where the opening had been to get it to stop bleeding. The whole experience was very surreal, but it was at this point, laying face down on the machine, feeling very very alone, that I started to tear up. I think it was part relief that it was done, part that I couldn't feel that damn needle anymore, and most of all, knowing that soon we would know what this thing is. I willed myself not to cry, the doctor and two nurses where still in the room and I didn't want to look like a weenie. When we were finished there, I went straight to Xray to make sure my lung was still functioning. Then I got wheeled back to my room, where they told me I would wait for two hours until my next scheduled Xray. They also said that I had a small air bubble between my chest wall and my lung, which was worrisome because if that got bigger, it could cause my lung to collapse. And that would be a whole new mess to deal with. At this point, the pain was excruciating. Much worse than the needle in the back, I was having burning spasms all throughout the right side of my body, from about my waist to my shoulder. I felt like I had been run over by a truck, and it was so painful. I didn't expect that at all! They gave me a vicodin, which because I hadn't eaten in 14 hours, made me really sick to my stomach, and gave me a wicked headache. I tried to sleep, but that's awful hard in a hospital, and my nurse wasn't around to dim my lights. Two hours later, I went for my second Xray, and the air bubble was still there. So I had to wait another 1/2 hour for a radiologist to give me the okay to go home. I think they figured if it hadn't collapsed yet, it probably wasn't going to, and the air bubble should reabsorb on its own. So, Matthew and the kids came to get me, and took me home, about 8 hours after I arrived. I was in so much pain at home, I laid on the couch the rest of the night, barely able to get up to go to the bathroom. I told Matthew, if it hurts this much for a simple biopsy, I can not even begin to imagine how bad surgery would be. Hopefully I wont have to find out. I felt better on Friday, and by Saturday I was just mildly sore. After some confusion and drama with the doctors office, I was told that I would get the results of it being not cancerous (positive thinking!) by Tuesday at 1:00. 3 CT scans, 5 Xrays, multiple blood tests, and 1 biopsy later and we will finally know what this thing is. I would hold my breath....but my chest hurts.
When I arrived at the hospital for the biopsy, I checked in and then was taken to my room, where I would wait for the next 2.5 hours for my procedure to start. While I was walking back there, amongst people laid out on stretchers, Doctors and nurses everywhere, and that horrible feeling of just being in the hospital, the reality of the situation smacked me right upside the head. For the first time, I let myself acknowledge just how serious this procedure, as everything else about this is. I was about to have a needle stuck through my back, through my muscles, my chest wall, through my lung and into a mass of invasion that could potentially be something very deadly. I let myself soak in the reality of it for a few minutes, as I changed into my hospital gown, and pulled on their ill fitting slipper socks with the skid proof bottoms. I laid down in my bed, and a nurse came in a few minutes later to check me in and give me an IV. As I waited there, for about 2 hours, I tried to push the whole thing out of my mind. I had brought a new book, and I tried to read it but my mind kept wandering. Finally at a little after 10:00am they wheeled me to Radiology and got me ready for the procedure. They gave me anti-anxiety medicine through my IV, a standard procedure I guess, since I wasn't exactly freaking out. I also got the always flattering oxygen tubes up my nose, just in case they said. Nice. I laid on my stomach on the CT machine, and they took a bunch of films to figure out the placement of the mass. Usually they have you take in a deep breath and hold it while they take the picture, but that put the mass right behind a rib. So after about 4 scans, they figured that wouldn't work, so I ended up exhaling and holding it, so that they would be able to get to where they needed to be. When they had the placement right, the doctor came in and stuck about 4 shots of numbing medicine into my back, I only felt the first two though. Then he said exhale and hold it, and jammed the biopsy needle in. It hurt then, but when he said I could breath again, oh boy. I could feel that needle in my lung, I could feel it moving as I breathed, and I can almost imagine what its like to be stabbed. It hurt like hell. He then took 3 biopsy's, all of them felt like he was smacking his fist against the needle in my back. I had to hold absolutely still through it all, because if I moved, we would have to start back at square one. When it was over, they took out the needle and pushed on my back, hard, where the opening had been to get it to stop bleeding. The whole experience was very surreal, but it was at this point, laying face down on the machine, feeling very very alone, that I started to tear up. I think it was part relief that it was done, part that I couldn't feel that damn needle anymore, and most of all, knowing that soon we would know what this thing is. I willed myself not to cry, the doctor and two nurses where still in the room and I didn't want to look like a weenie. When we were finished there, I went straight to Xray to make sure my lung was still functioning. Then I got wheeled back to my room, where they told me I would wait for two hours until my next scheduled Xray. They also said that I had a small air bubble between my chest wall and my lung, which was worrisome because if that got bigger, it could cause my lung to collapse. And that would be a whole new mess to deal with. At this point, the pain was excruciating. Much worse than the needle in the back, I was having burning spasms all throughout the right side of my body, from about my waist to my shoulder. I felt like I had been run over by a truck, and it was so painful. I didn't expect that at all! They gave me a vicodin, which because I hadn't eaten in 14 hours, made me really sick to my stomach, and gave me a wicked headache. I tried to sleep, but that's awful hard in a hospital, and my nurse wasn't around to dim my lights. Two hours later, I went for my second Xray, and the air bubble was still there. So I had to wait another 1/2 hour for a radiologist to give me the okay to go home. I think they figured if it hadn't collapsed yet, it probably wasn't going to, and the air bubble should reabsorb on its own. So, Matthew and the kids came to get me, and took me home, about 8 hours after I arrived. I was in so much pain at home, I laid on the couch the rest of the night, barely able to get up to go to the bathroom. I told Matthew, if it hurts this much for a simple biopsy, I can not even begin to imagine how bad surgery would be. Hopefully I wont have to find out. I felt better on Friday, and by Saturday I was just mildly sore. After some confusion and drama with the doctors office, I was told that I would get the results of it being not cancerous (positive thinking!) by Tuesday at 1:00. 3 CT scans, 5 Xrays, multiple blood tests, and 1 biopsy later and we will finally know what this thing is. I would hold my breath....but my chest hurts.