I am having a rough day today, and figured maybe if I blogged about it that I could get it all out and move past it. A friend updated me today on the health of her sil, who was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago. She did chemo, and successfully beat the cancer. But she had some test results come back recently that have her and her doctor fearing that the cancer may have come back somewhere else. Hearing news like this is so worrisome to me. It makes me reflect on my own experience, and it just made my heart drop. I know I have a different kind of cancer than she does, and our experiences and prognosis are different, but the scary thing is that cancer doesn't care about any of that. It can be growing slowly, undetected, anywhere in your body at anytime...and you will have no idea that its even there.
I think part of my anxiety is also coming from my upcoming appointment with the oncologist. I go Friday morning for a chest X-ray and then have the appointment on Monday morning. I mostly feel good that they wont find anything, but at the same time, I find that worries and doubts are starting to sneak into my mind again. I was doing really good there for a month or so, not thinking about cancer ever single day, not worrying, starting to plan things for the future and just trying to move past it like it never happened. But it did, and I just cant forget. Cancer. At 30. And one of the deadliest types there is. It scares me so bad, the thought of it coming back, growing and spreading before anyone knows whats happening, and the thoughts of leaving my family alone is just heartbreaking to me. Cancer is really something that just takes your breath away, and will knock you to your knees. I don't think anyone can fully understand it until they have lived it, or someone close to them has. It is the worst kind of terror I have ever felt.
I worry sometimes that I am not being pro-active enough, but what can I do? Chemo isn't recommended at this time, not by my Oncologist nor by the head of Oncology at OHSU (whom my doctor shared my case with). I could sit and worry and wonder and freak out every day, but that wouldn't do me any good either. I am trying to eat healthy and be healthy and just enjoy life, but at times I feel like I am not doing enough. Like if I do these certain things, at certain times, I will be able to guarantee that it wont come back...but I know cancer doesn't work like that. It just sucks, not knowing, always wondering, never being sure, never being 100% certain that I am okay.
I worry that I am not making the most of the time I have. I still get upset with the kids, overreacting probably to the frustrations that I feel when they are hyper, not listening or fighting with each other. I am not exercising enough (okay - at all) and I ate chips today with breakfast. Now, I know chips aren't going to bring back cancer, but I am hard on myself about stuff like that, because what if I don't eat healthy enough, or Organic enough, and it comes back and that's part of the reason why? Because I didn't treat my body good enough. And then it would be MY fault, and oh boy...that worry is a heavy heavy load to carry.
So, I guess all there is left to do is to try to look at good things. And I have so so many in my life. My kids, my incredible husband, my friends and family who have helped us so much when we needed them. Our beautiful house and yard, the ability to travel and vacation with the kids, and the love that our family shares. I am so thankful for everything I have, and I try so hard to appreciate it every day. Because none of us really ever knows when our time will be up. It could be cancer, it could be a car wreck, for goodness sake it could be the swine flu or a plane crashing into your vacation house. It could be anything, at anytime. I need to try to keep that in mind, to make sure that everyday my family and friends and the people that are important to me know that I love them, and to try everyday to make a difference in someones life.
So today, I will reflect on the goodness and peacefulness of my life. I will leave the future where it belongs, and concentrate today on the present. On my kids, my family and my blessed life.
I think part of my anxiety is also coming from my upcoming appointment with the oncologist. I go Friday morning for a chest X-ray and then have the appointment on Monday morning. I mostly feel good that they wont find anything, but at the same time, I find that worries and doubts are starting to sneak into my mind again. I was doing really good there for a month or so, not thinking about cancer ever single day, not worrying, starting to plan things for the future and just trying to move past it like it never happened. But it did, and I just cant forget. Cancer. At 30. And one of the deadliest types there is. It scares me so bad, the thought of it coming back, growing and spreading before anyone knows whats happening, and the thoughts of leaving my family alone is just heartbreaking to me. Cancer is really something that just takes your breath away, and will knock you to your knees. I don't think anyone can fully understand it until they have lived it, or someone close to them has. It is the worst kind of terror I have ever felt.
I worry sometimes that I am not being pro-active enough, but what can I do? Chemo isn't recommended at this time, not by my Oncologist nor by the head of Oncology at OHSU (whom my doctor shared my case with). I could sit and worry and wonder and freak out every day, but that wouldn't do me any good either. I am trying to eat healthy and be healthy and just enjoy life, but at times I feel like I am not doing enough. Like if I do these certain things, at certain times, I will be able to guarantee that it wont come back...but I know cancer doesn't work like that. It just sucks, not knowing, always wondering, never being sure, never being 100% certain that I am okay.
I worry that I am not making the most of the time I have. I still get upset with the kids, overreacting probably to the frustrations that I feel when they are hyper, not listening or fighting with each other. I am not exercising enough (okay - at all) and I ate chips today with breakfast. Now, I know chips aren't going to bring back cancer, but I am hard on myself about stuff like that, because what if I don't eat healthy enough, or Organic enough, and it comes back and that's part of the reason why? Because I didn't treat my body good enough. And then it would be MY fault, and oh boy...that worry is a heavy heavy load to carry.
So, I guess all there is left to do is to try to look at good things. And I have so so many in my life. My kids, my incredible husband, my friends and family who have helped us so much when we needed them. Our beautiful house and yard, the ability to travel and vacation with the kids, and the love that our family shares. I am so thankful for everything I have, and I try so hard to appreciate it every day. Because none of us really ever knows when our time will be up. It could be cancer, it could be a car wreck, for goodness sake it could be the swine flu or a plane crashing into your vacation house. It could be anything, at anytime. I need to try to keep that in mind, to make sure that everyday my family and friends and the people that are important to me know that I love them, and to try everyday to make a difference in someones life.
So today, I will reflect on the goodness and peacefulness of my life. I will leave the future where it belongs, and concentrate today on the present. On my kids, my family and my blessed life.