For the past few weeks I have been having a really hard time emotionally. I have felt a weight on my shoulders, a cloud over my head and a feeling of unease. There are some feelings that I can pinpoint the cause of, but not all of them. I have been unhappy, angry, sad, emotional and depressed and just haven't been able to unslump myself. Its been a really hard few weeks.
Last night I stayed up really late, part of it spent going over everything I was feeling with Matthew, and part of it awake by myself, for hours, just thinking. In the time I spent talking to Matthew, I gave a voice to what I believe is the root of my feelings these last few weeks. I asked myself - If I found out that the cancer was back tomorrow, would I be happy with the way I had spent the last few months of my life. And the answer was - No, I wouldn't. Not even close.
That hit me hard. What I am doing now is not how I should be spending my second chance. I feel like I have gone back to existing in my life, instead of living it. I have allowed myself to be caught up in feelings and emotions that are truly out of my control, and I have begun a slow spiral into a pattern of living that I do not like. I am not living my life to the fullest, and that is unacceptable to me.
I am not sure how I got here, but I know what I need to do to get back on track. I need to walk away from the computer. I need to get back to baking. I need to stop putting off until tomorrow what I can do today. I need to truly enjoy the company of the friends and family that we have. I need to stop being lazy. I need to spend more time with my children, laughing with them, enjoying them, and loving them to the fullest. I need to let go of the petty insecurities that have plagued me since childhood. I am worthy of being loved just the way that I am, scars and all. I am a good friend, I am thoughtful and kind and I am worthy of the same. I need to move on, move past, and get through these emotions that weigh me down. I need to be free.
With Matthews help, and the help of some close friends, today I am making the choice to take a step forward, instead of a step back. I will get things done today, things I have been let sliding. I will walk with my head up high and my heart full. I will begin making choices for MY future, with MY best interests in mind, instead of worrying so much about everyone else.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I choose to live it!
Last night I stayed up really late, part of it spent going over everything I was feeling with Matthew, and part of it awake by myself, for hours, just thinking. In the time I spent talking to Matthew, I gave a voice to what I believe is the root of my feelings these last few weeks. I asked myself - If I found out that the cancer was back tomorrow, would I be happy with the way I had spent the last few months of my life. And the answer was - No, I wouldn't. Not even close.
That hit me hard. What I am doing now is not how I should be spending my second chance. I feel like I have gone back to existing in my life, instead of living it. I have allowed myself to be caught up in feelings and emotions that are truly out of my control, and I have begun a slow spiral into a pattern of living that I do not like. I am not living my life to the fullest, and that is unacceptable to me.
I am not sure how I got here, but I know what I need to do to get back on track. I need to walk away from the computer. I need to get back to baking. I need to stop putting off until tomorrow what I can do today. I need to truly enjoy the company of the friends and family that we have. I need to stop being lazy. I need to spend more time with my children, laughing with them, enjoying them, and loving them to the fullest. I need to let go of the petty insecurities that have plagued me since childhood. I am worthy of being loved just the way that I am, scars and all. I am a good friend, I am thoughtful and kind and I am worthy of the same. I need to move on, move past, and get through these emotions that weigh me down. I need to be free.
With Matthews help, and the help of some close friends, today I am making the choice to take a step forward, instead of a step back. I will get things done today, things I have been let sliding. I will walk with my head up high and my heart full. I will begin making choices for MY future, with MY best interests in mind, instead of worrying so much about everyone else.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I choose to live it!