It all started 8.5 years ago. Shortly after Killian was born I got a part time job at Babies R Us. I had a co-worker there...a spunky, outspoken, funny as hell co-worker. I was a little intimidated by her...she was outgoing, she called things how she saw them and she didn't give a damn what people thought. I was the opposite...always afraid to hurt someones feelings, very insecure about everything and very shy. But somehow we formed a friendship that would last the next 6 years. We went through a lot together, she saw me at my lowest, she watched me struggle to find myself as a mother, a person, and a friend. She held me when I needed to be held, and gave me a stern talking to when I needed to brought down a peg or two. We both changed a lot those 6 years, our lives went in different directions and we struggled with different demons. We tried to find the connection we once had, but it had changed along with us, and was no longer so easy to put a finger on. She always made friends much more easily than I did, and when I went back to work and she found a new friend who was also a stay at home mom to hang out with, I felt replaced. I felt like we had changed too much to keep the friendship going, and I ended our 6 year friendship. I felt like I had done the right thing, dusted off my hands, and walked away. She left my life, but she never left my heart.
Fast forward to this year, when out of the blue, I started thinking about her again. Constantly. I found her page on myspace, and checked it weekly. I was surprised at the changes in her life, the changes in her. She was finally happy...and it showed. Right before I got my cancer diagnosis, I contacted her, unsure of what her response would be to me but needing to take the chance. Somewhere in my heart, I knew that I was sick. And I needed to tell her I was sorry. It took me a long time and many friendships to realize just what we had. She never judged me. She never forgot a birthday or an important day in my life. She was there for me when I needed her, always and with no concern as to what was going on in her life. And I realized....I hadn't done the same for her. I was busy in my life, partying, playing, being young and free. I forgot birthdays, and I forgot days that were important to her. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and my heart still breaks when I think about the selfishness that consumed me and our friendship. I am surprised that she stuck with me as long as she did.
When we reconnected in February, and I got my diagnosis, she stepped into my life as if she had never left. She called me and sent me beautiful cards and emails. She brought us dinner when I got out of the hospital and she made it clear to me that she was there for me, she was in my corner, and she wasn't going to leave so easily this time. As I recovered, we started getting to know each other again. And I will be honest...at first I didn't think it was going to be possible. We had both changed for sure, but maybe we had changed too much to find what we once had. We had different families, different goals, different lives. Was it possible that we could have so many differences, and still connect? Since then, I have found the answer to that question. It doesn't mater how much you have in common with someone. It doesn't matter how many of the same things that you like, and it doesn't matter if you enjoy the same activities in your free time. What matters is knowing that someone will always have your back. That someone will forgive you for your sins, and hold your hand when you sin again. That someone will give all of themselves to you, and expect nothing but your friendship in return. That someone who is so different from you on the outside, can be so similar to you on the inside. That's where it really counts. That love, the unselfishness, the willingness to hold you up when you cant hold yourself up, to be there for you in any way that you need, and often the ways you don't know that you need. To love you unconditionally.
I know she doesn't like to talk about the past with me. I am not sure if its because I hurt her so badly, or if because she has truly moved past it. I am working on forgiving myself for the friend that I was, and on becoming the friend that I am. I feel truly blessed to have reconnected with her so deeply, to have back the friend that I once took for granted, to have that person by my side again that knows so much of my history and has never once faltered in her love for me. I am grateful for her forgiveness.
This week I find that my friend now needs me to be there for her. To walk beside her as she faces a pain unimaginable to most of us. To hold her hand, wipe her tears and heal her heart. I hope that I can do all this and more for her. Because she has been there for me, and I want to be there for her. Because I love her, unconditionally. Together, we begin a friendship. Not the one that we once had...a new one, that is better, more solid, and founded on our love and respect for one another.
Tanya, I am proud to be with you on your journey. I thank you for all that you have given me, and all that you continue to give me. You have shaped my life in ways that you will never know, and I am grateful beyond what these words can say. I am here for you in whatever way you need me, as you walk this new path, and the paths to come. As I remember what your mom always told you...I want to be one on that hand that you hold up. Thank you for being on mine.
Fast forward to this year, when out of the blue, I started thinking about her again. Constantly. I found her page on myspace, and checked it weekly. I was surprised at the changes in her life, the changes in her. She was finally happy...and it showed. Right before I got my cancer diagnosis, I contacted her, unsure of what her response would be to me but needing to take the chance. Somewhere in my heart, I knew that I was sick. And I needed to tell her I was sorry. It took me a long time and many friendships to realize just what we had. She never judged me. She never forgot a birthday or an important day in my life. She was there for me when I needed her, always and with no concern as to what was going on in her life. And I realized....I hadn't done the same for her. I was busy in my life, partying, playing, being young and free. I forgot birthdays, and I forgot days that were important to her. I wasn't there for her when she needed me, and my heart still breaks when I think about the selfishness that consumed me and our friendship. I am surprised that she stuck with me as long as she did.
When we reconnected in February, and I got my diagnosis, she stepped into my life as if she had never left. She called me and sent me beautiful cards and emails. She brought us dinner when I got out of the hospital and she made it clear to me that she was there for me, she was in my corner, and she wasn't going to leave so easily this time. As I recovered, we started getting to know each other again. And I will be honest...at first I didn't think it was going to be possible. We had both changed for sure, but maybe we had changed too much to find what we once had. We had different families, different goals, different lives. Was it possible that we could have so many differences, and still connect? Since then, I have found the answer to that question. It doesn't mater how much you have in common with someone. It doesn't matter how many of the same things that you like, and it doesn't matter if you enjoy the same activities in your free time. What matters is knowing that someone will always have your back. That someone will forgive you for your sins, and hold your hand when you sin again. That someone will give all of themselves to you, and expect nothing but your friendship in return. That someone who is so different from you on the outside, can be so similar to you on the inside. That's where it really counts. That love, the unselfishness, the willingness to hold you up when you cant hold yourself up, to be there for you in any way that you need, and often the ways you don't know that you need. To love you unconditionally.
I know she doesn't like to talk about the past with me. I am not sure if its because I hurt her so badly, or if because she has truly moved past it. I am working on forgiving myself for the friend that I was, and on becoming the friend that I am. I feel truly blessed to have reconnected with her so deeply, to have back the friend that I once took for granted, to have that person by my side again that knows so much of my history and has never once faltered in her love for me. I am grateful for her forgiveness.
This week I find that my friend now needs me to be there for her. To walk beside her as she faces a pain unimaginable to most of us. To hold her hand, wipe her tears and heal her heart. I hope that I can do all this and more for her. Because she has been there for me, and I want to be there for her. Because I love her, unconditionally. Together, we begin a friendship. Not the one that we once had...a new one, that is better, more solid, and founded on our love and respect for one another.
Tanya, I am proud to be with you on your journey. I thank you for all that you have given me, and all that you continue to give me. You have shaped my life in ways that you will never know, and I am grateful beyond what these words can say. I am here for you in whatever way you need me, as you walk this new path, and the paths to come. As I remember what your mom always told you...I want to be one on that hand that you hold up. Thank you for being on mine.