I had an appointment with my Oncologist today to go over the results of the CT scan I got a week ago. While I was hoping to get a complete all clear, the findings weren't quite that simple. He was quick to reassure me that they didn't see anything that they thought was cancerous, or anything alarming. But they did find "something" in the lower lobe of my left lung, as well as a cyst in my kidney. The cyst was apparently also on my last CT scan, but this one showed what appears to be growth since the last scan so it is worrisome enough to warrant a ultrasound this Friday. The doctor said that its very common to have cysts in your body, and that most of the time they are not cancerous. But they wont be able to rule that out completely until they do the ultrasounds. Hopefully we get the results of that quickly.
The lung finding is what worries me more, just because of the unknown. As soon as he told me that they found something abnormal, he asked if I had been coughing. I have had a cold since Sunday (the CT was the previous Friday) and its lasted about a week. He said that what they found looks like something they would find with pneumonia, and that hearing that I have a cough doesn't surprise him. Its his thought that the spot on my lungs is because of the cold. I trust my doctor, I really believe that if this was something he was worried about he would move forward right away. But he said I don't need a biopsy, and suggested that we not do anything right now, on the assumption that its nothing. This was supposed to be my last CT scan, but he wants to do another (hopefully final!!) one in early December, to verify that the spot is gone and that its nothing to worry about. I feel mostly comfortable with this....BUT. I don't have pneumonia, and his reference to it worries me because that's what they claimed for months was the cause of the mass on my lung. So to hear someone tell me again that it looks like pneumonia when I clearly don't have it is a very scary deja vu feeling for me.
Cancer has changed me forever. I am no longer able to put 100% of my confidence in anything, no longer able to blindly wander through life without a care in the world. No longer able to take for granted that I will always be around for my kids and my husband. No longer am I able to take things at face value, and I will probably never again be able to feel comfortable with my health. The overwhelming fear that encompassed me every moment of the day when I was first diagnosed has slowly lessened, but its never far from my mind. Its baggage that I carry with me everywhere I go, and I think its got to be impossible for anyone to ever understand until they have been in a cancer patients shoes. I thank God that my diagnosis was as best-case-scenario as it was....but live in daily fear that the other shoe will someday drop.
Cancer has changed me in other ways too, ways that maybe I didn't expect. I have finally come to a place where I fully understand the saying "Life is too short". My life is too short (and too precious) to waste; on people, places or things that don't make me happy. Having spent my whole life up until this point being a people pleaser, and putting myself at the back of the line, I am finally putting myself at the front...and not making excuses for it. I wont let myself be treated any less than I think I deserve, I wont put myself in a position that I don't want to be in simply because it is the socially expected thing to do. Being honest, I am still finding this a struggle, but every day, with every choice I make for ME, I am getting closer to the front of that line. This almost feels selfish at times, like what right do I have to do what I want if its going to hurt, upset or anger someone else? Spending your whole life living up to other peoples expectations makes it harder for you to consider your own wants and desires worthy. But I deserve it! And in a way, its the least selfish thing I could be doing. When I am doing what makes me happy, spending time with people that bring love and laughter into my life, in places that I want to be - I am a better person for it, and can share that awesome feeling with my family and friends. Its a cycle that feels good, and I want it here to stay.
A lot of things have changed in my life over the course of the last month. Many relationships have strengthened and gotten deeper, while sadly one has ended unexpectedly. Outlooks have been changed, new goals made, old ones discarded. Attitudes have been adjusted and dreaming has begun again in earnest. Change is sometimes really hard to accept, and I have often spent a lot of time resisting it. Which usually puts me in situations that make me feel unhappy, frustrated or resentful. I am coming to realize that just going with the flow, and accepting change into my life is a much more harmonious way to live. People change and grow apart, places change and no longer feel like home, mindsets change and with them, life goals change. Even though I may not be able to understand why something is happening, I am learning to let go and just have some faith that its happening for a reason. Not an easy thing to do for someone who over analyzes everything, but something that I know the importance of.
So, here's to changes! I am confident that there will be many good things happening for us in the coming days, months and years. I am going to do my very best to remain positive and thankful, as I truly do realize how much I have to be grateful for. I have a wonderful life ♥
The lung finding is what worries me more, just because of the unknown. As soon as he told me that they found something abnormal, he asked if I had been coughing. I have had a cold since Sunday (the CT was the previous Friday) and its lasted about a week. He said that what they found looks like something they would find with pneumonia, and that hearing that I have a cough doesn't surprise him. Its his thought that the spot on my lungs is because of the cold. I trust my doctor, I really believe that if this was something he was worried about he would move forward right away. But he said I don't need a biopsy, and suggested that we not do anything right now, on the assumption that its nothing. This was supposed to be my last CT scan, but he wants to do another (hopefully final!!) one in early December, to verify that the spot is gone and that its nothing to worry about. I feel mostly comfortable with this....BUT. I don't have pneumonia, and his reference to it worries me because that's what they claimed for months was the cause of the mass on my lung. So to hear someone tell me again that it looks like pneumonia when I clearly don't have it is a very scary deja vu feeling for me.
Cancer has changed me forever. I am no longer able to put 100% of my confidence in anything, no longer able to blindly wander through life without a care in the world. No longer able to take for granted that I will always be around for my kids and my husband. No longer am I able to take things at face value, and I will probably never again be able to feel comfortable with my health. The overwhelming fear that encompassed me every moment of the day when I was first diagnosed has slowly lessened, but its never far from my mind. Its baggage that I carry with me everywhere I go, and I think its got to be impossible for anyone to ever understand until they have been in a cancer patients shoes. I thank God that my diagnosis was as best-case-scenario as it was....but live in daily fear that the other shoe will someday drop.
Cancer has changed me in other ways too, ways that maybe I didn't expect. I have finally come to a place where I fully understand the saying "Life is too short". My life is too short (and too precious) to waste; on people, places or things that don't make me happy. Having spent my whole life up until this point being a people pleaser, and putting myself at the back of the line, I am finally putting myself at the front...and not making excuses for it. I wont let myself be treated any less than I think I deserve, I wont put myself in a position that I don't want to be in simply because it is the socially expected thing to do. Being honest, I am still finding this a struggle, but every day, with every choice I make for ME, I am getting closer to the front of that line. This almost feels selfish at times, like what right do I have to do what I want if its going to hurt, upset or anger someone else? Spending your whole life living up to other peoples expectations makes it harder for you to consider your own wants and desires worthy. But I deserve it! And in a way, its the least selfish thing I could be doing. When I am doing what makes me happy, spending time with people that bring love and laughter into my life, in places that I want to be - I am a better person for it, and can share that awesome feeling with my family and friends. Its a cycle that feels good, and I want it here to stay.
A lot of things have changed in my life over the course of the last month. Many relationships have strengthened and gotten deeper, while sadly one has ended unexpectedly. Outlooks have been changed, new goals made, old ones discarded. Attitudes have been adjusted and dreaming has begun again in earnest. Change is sometimes really hard to accept, and I have often spent a lot of time resisting it. Which usually puts me in situations that make me feel unhappy, frustrated or resentful. I am coming to realize that just going with the flow, and accepting change into my life is a much more harmonious way to live. People change and grow apart, places change and no longer feel like home, mindsets change and with them, life goals change. Even though I may not be able to understand why something is happening, I am learning to let go and just have some faith that its happening for a reason. Not an easy thing to do for someone who over analyzes everything, but something that I know the importance of.
So, here's to changes! I am confident that there will be many good things happening for us in the coming days, months and years. I am going to do my very best to remain positive and thankful, as I truly do realize how much I have to be grateful for. I have a wonderful life ♥