I think the first time I was aware of popularity was 4th grade. All of a sudden you were either cool, or tragically....you weren't. I tried hard to fit in with my peers, and to be one of those cool kids, but I never quite made it in the club. I never had the huge group of pals to hang out with, and honestly, I never had a small group of pals to hang out with. I usually had one really good friend at a time, and that was the extent of my social life. Once junior high came, popularity was suddenly on a much bigger scale. There were the popular kids that everyone knew, and that everyone wanted to be. They were better than everyone else, they had the trendiest clothes, they went to cool parties and had all the right friends. They took up the whole hallway when they walked together, and always seemed to be having a blast. I wanted so badly to be like them, to have a big group of people around me, friends to share every up and down with. I didn't have the money, looks, or cool factor to fit into that group of people though, and I knew that I never would.
So I went in search of a group that I did belong with. I tried the druggie group, the loser group, the barefoot hippy group, the homeless train hoping traveling group, the party till you don't remember your name group, the corporate ladder climbing group, the stay at home mama group, back to the hippy tree hugging group - but this time with babies in tow, and none of them ever felt right.
I realized that when I try to join a group of people, it never worked out. I thought about it a lot and decided that I was just not good with groups. That I am a one on one person, and that was just my personality. True to that, for the last 10 years I have usually only had one good friend at a time. After I had Rowan, I was suddenly at home while my only friends worked. I was lonely, and decided to try again to get that big group of friends I had always wanted, and I started participating in a local mothering group that I found online. I went to the get togethers, and I scheduled play dates and parties, and tried my hardest to fit in. My history didn't disappoint though, and once again things didn't work out. In fact, they went spectacularly wrong, with me blowing up at a lot of people, and in general not being true to who I really am. I was sucked into the high school drama that only a group of women can provide, and I ended up self destructing. In a big way, and in front of a lot of people, which is still embarrassing to me. BUT. I learned so many things about myself, and grew up so much that I cant count that experience as a failure. Unfortunately, I still didn't end up with that big group of friends, and at that point I decided to give up on the idea forever. It obviously wasn't meant to be, and I went back to having just one really good friend, with a few other close friends thrown in for good measure.
I was reflecting on my life the other day, and about how happy I am right now. Happiness that I can feel down to my bones, and that makes my soul sing. I have never felt as good as I do right now, and then it hit me. I have some pretty amazing people in my life! Some friend have been around for a while now, but there are quite a few new people that have come into my life recently that I am really enjoying getting to know. Some friends I see only on a one on one basis, but most of us regularly get together in a big group. And it finally made sense to me. All these years that I have been trying my hardest to find a group to belong to and it turns out I was looking for the wrong thing. The group that I belong in isn't the one I join....its the one that I create by filling my life with people that I love. It was never about another group accepting me. It was only about me accepting myself, and loving myself enough to allow only people that love me into my group. I have finally found where I belong, and it feels just right.
So I went in search of a group that I did belong with. I tried the druggie group, the loser group, the barefoot hippy group, the homeless train hoping traveling group, the party till you don't remember your name group, the corporate ladder climbing group, the stay at home mama group, back to the hippy tree hugging group - but this time with babies in tow, and none of them ever felt right.
I realized that when I try to join a group of people, it never worked out. I thought about it a lot and decided that I was just not good with groups. That I am a one on one person, and that was just my personality. True to that, for the last 10 years I have usually only had one good friend at a time. After I had Rowan, I was suddenly at home while my only friends worked. I was lonely, and decided to try again to get that big group of friends I had always wanted, and I started participating in a local mothering group that I found online. I went to the get togethers, and I scheduled play dates and parties, and tried my hardest to fit in. My history didn't disappoint though, and once again things didn't work out. In fact, they went spectacularly wrong, with me blowing up at a lot of people, and in general not being true to who I really am. I was sucked into the high school drama that only a group of women can provide, and I ended up self destructing. In a big way, and in front of a lot of people, which is still embarrassing to me. BUT. I learned so many things about myself, and grew up so much that I cant count that experience as a failure. Unfortunately, I still didn't end up with that big group of friends, and at that point I decided to give up on the idea forever. It obviously wasn't meant to be, and I went back to having just one really good friend, with a few other close friends thrown in for good measure.
I was reflecting on my life the other day, and about how happy I am right now. Happiness that I can feel down to my bones, and that makes my soul sing. I have never felt as good as I do right now, and then it hit me. I have some pretty amazing people in my life! Some friend have been around for a while now, but there are quite a few new people that have come into my life recently that I am really enjoying getting to know. Some friends I see only on a one on one basis, but most of us regularly get together in a big group. And it finally made sense to me. All these years that I have been trying my hardest to find a group to belong to and it turns out I was looking for the wrong thing. The group that I belong in isn't the one I join....its the one that I create by filling my life with people that I love. It was never about another group accepting me. It was only about me accepting myself, and loving myself enough to allow only people that love me into my group. I have finally found where I belong, and it feels just right.