2009 was a year that I will never forget, a year that brought me the most extreme highs and lows of my life. A year that I wasn't sure I would make it through, a year full of life lessons on love, values, loyalty, friendship, betrayal, fear, happiness, and confidence. A year that, looking back, was so very perfect despite its many challenges. While the road to change is long, in 2009 I found the start of my new path. I couldn't be more grateful for the events of this year and how they have shaped my family and myself. This year has been a long one, so I thought I would take a look back at the events and the changes that they brought.
The Lows:
-Cancer is a real bitch
Easy to choose this as the first low on my list. Even now when I look back 10 long months to the morning of Feb. 2nd, answering the phone call that changed my life, it is hard for me to fully express what I was feeling. I was shocked, I was in complete and utter disbelief but at the same time felt a strange acceptance as if I knew in my heart all along that this had been something serious. I was scared out of my mind, and for the first few days that was my one overpowering emotion. I wasn't so much scared for me, although I have a lot of life yet that I want to live. I was scared for my children, of the possibility of them having to go through their young lives without me. That is a feeling of terror and paralyzation that perhaps only a mother can truly understand. After a few days, the mother bear side of me came fighting to the surface, saying "oh no you don't - no fucking way" to the cancer in my body. I was determined to fight with everything I had, to do everything and anything that I needed to do to stay with my family. I was extraordinarily blessed to get the diagnosis that I did when a few days later I got the results of my PET scan. The cancer was localized in my lung, and could be removed (along with half of my right lung) with surgery. To hear that it wasn't found anywhere else in my body was the biggest relief that I have ever felt in my life. Still, I knew that I was in for a rough time. The surgery, and the couple months that it took to recover afterwards was easily the lowest point in my life. I was in constant pain, both physically and emotionally. Because after the surgery was done, now the fear was (is) "will it come back". That fear consumed me inwardly for a good part of this year. It was only after my last CT scan in November that showed my lungs were still clear that I felt that fear falling away, piece by piece. I have to admit, there are times when it is still a dark cloud over my mind, but I am slowly getting better at living in the moment, and not the past or the future. This experience has changed me, and my family, in ways that I never thought possible.
-Finding their way
There are two people in our extended family that are struggling so hard to find their way this year. One is fighting addiction, and one is struggling with life's responsibilities. They are two people that we love so very much, and its painful for us to watch them go down the paths that they are choosing. As a family we have tried to step in, to offer encouragement and strength, ideas and solutions, but its been nothing but a lesson in patience. We have had to realize that we are unable to make them change, grow up, or make the right choices before they are ready to. So that leaves us with just one option. To love them through it. When they need us, we will be here, we will support them in the ways that we can, and always hold them in our hearts. I hope that the new year brings new hope to their lives.
-Our little feathered friends
In early spring of this year, we chose five little peeping chicks from the feed store, and brought them home to be our backyard chickens. We knew at the start that chickens were "illegal" where we live, but we figured that nobody would hear/see them or complain about them. We loved those chickens so much, they were part of our family and we spent so much time playing with them and laughing at their antics. The day came when they started laying eggs, which was the reason we had wanted them originally, and we were all so excited. Our happiness was short lived when a day later we had code enforcement at our door saying that someone had complained about them, and giving us a week to get rid of them. The whole family was devastated, even Matthew who had not been to keen on having them at the start. Luckily we found them two really great homes, with families that love them as much as we do. And for me, this story is yet more proof in my life that everything happens for a reason. If I still had the chickens, I wouldn't have had Sarah (who took two of them to live on her farm) or Linda (who we get eggs from now) come into my life, and I am so grateful for their friendships that I am nearly at peace with what it took to get them here. If the laws ever change though, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to get some more chicks and do the whole thing over again-this time with a different end result!
-Heartbreak and healing
I never talked about it on here, because I haven't felt like this was the appropriate forum, but late this summer my friendship with someone who felt like a sister to me ended. It was an incredibly painful time, and still causes me a lot of heartache and sadness. She and her family meant so much to me, and were part of our lives for nearly two years - we shared everything together. The friendship came to a sudden end, although I think looking back change had been brewing for a couple of months before hand. There had been an incident with our kids that had been really difficult for our friendship to overcome, and feelings were hurt on both sides. There was awkwardness, and unsureness, jealousy and untruthfulness, and in the end it proved too much for an already fragile friendship to bear. The final straw were words and comments that hurt me so deeply I completely shut down and walked away. If I could go back in time, I would have taken a few days to really think about what was happening, and make a decision when I was calm enough to do so rationally. But at the time I just couldn't see past my hurt and the trust I suddenly lost in someone I had held so dear. For a few weeks after the "breakup" I continued to read her blog, although I was trying to find sneaky ways to do it so that she wouldn't know I still cared. But I realized pretty quickly that it only made me feel worse to see what she was up to, and I made the decision to not read it anymore. Its been hard as I often wonder what she is up to and how her family is doing. I secretly hope that one day we will talk again, when we have both grown and are better able to reflect back on what went wrong. If that day never comes though, I am at peace with that. People change, and they grow apart, and its just a part of life and relationships that nobody can avoid. I learned so much through this experience, and I am choosing to look back at the good, ignore the bad, and be thankful for the friendship that we had. I wish her only the best in her life, and hope that she finds all the happiness that she deserves.
-Family is what you make it
I also learned this year that just because someone is related to you does not automatically mean that you are family. That someone may love you, but also have no qualms about hurting you. These are revelations that have brought me profound sadness, but also a overwhelming desire to work harder to make my family now better than the one I grew up in. I haven't spoken to my parents in nearly 16 months, although they live less than 20 minutes from my house. In September of last year, I choose to sever my relationship with my mother, in order to protect my children from her mental and emotional abuse, as well as to save myself from all the heartache she brought upon our family. I know at some point in my life she really did want the best for me, and I can appreciate those memories. But I also know that in the last 6-7 years she has been becoming someone who I don't recognize anymore. She is a bitter, jealous, delusional, and extremely unhappy woman who I finally realized that I am completely unable to please. She is not like most mothers, something that only a few close people in my life truly understand (they have known her for years, and have seen her in action). Its easy for outsiders to look at the situation and not understand how I could possibly deny my mother the chance to see her grandchildren or her own child. But there are lines that she crossed that I wont go into here...the bottom line is I wont have my children to grow up the way that I did. And honestly, its been a blessing for our family. Our lives are so much more peaceful and so free of drama that looking back I can hardly believed we tolerated her actions for so long. My dad however, is another story altogether. I miss him with all my heart. I don't really understand why he decided not to step up and fight for a relationship with me or the kids. He hasn't tried to see us, call us, or write us. I would welcome my dad back with open arms, and told him as much the last day I saw him. All little girls grow up believing that their dad would do anything for them, and its sad to realize that's not the case for me. My dad will be 70 this coming year, and I am scared that he is going to die without me getting to say goodbye, but I don't know quite how to rectify the situation. I am not willing to accept my mother back into my life and I don't know how I can get him back without doing that. Maybe this coming year one of us will find a way to heal our broken relationship.
When I was diagnosed with cancer this spring, and during and after my surgery, all I could think of was my family, or lack there of. For all intents and purposes, I don't have my parents available to me, so that leaves only my twin brother, who lives in Spokane with his wife, about 6 hours away from us. We have gone through varying stages of closeness in our lives, settling recently into a out of site, out of mind sort of relationship. I decided that this was the year that we would be closer, that we would finally have a great brother/sister relationship. I feel like I really put forward a good effort, but unfortunately it wasn't well received and the already fragile relationship between us has now deteriorated to next to nothing. It saddens me immensely that I have no real connection with anyone in my blood family. Especially when I so strongly believe that family is all you really ever have, and that you should always be able to count on them, if nobody else. But this year I have had to come to grips with the facts - you cant help people who don't want help, and that you cant force someone to be in your life if they don't want to be there. Through that realization I have come to a very clear understanding of what I do not want for my family, or for my children. I hope that this knowledge will help me to forge strong bonds with my children, and them with each other, so that history will not repeat itself.
The HIGHS!!
-My family is my everything
I don't think I could have made it through this year without having the support and love of Matthew and the kids. Matthew stepped up in a way that blew my mind when I was sick, always helping to calm my fears, to see the bright side, to keep me sane. He ran this house without a blip while I was recovering, and I am SO proud of that man. I feel so blessed to have married someone who loves his family so much, who shows his love in all the little and big things he does to support us. I truly can not imagine my life without him, especially after this year. I told him after my diagnosis that I knew one reason why God had brought him into my life...and it was because he was the only person that could have possibly walked this journey with me. Through sickness and in health, he is my rock, my constant, my soul mate. The love and respect that I have for him could never be captured in words, although I try because I want him to know just how much I love him. And my kids....my sweet little babies. Killian knows that I had cancer, and he has been so brave throughout this whole experience. He is a tender and sweet young man, and I am so very proud of who he is becoming. Not that its all happiness and light with him! He is finding who he is in the world, and sometimes that comes with a lot of sassy talk and rude behavior. But I am confident that he will become all that I have hoped for....and probably more. Rowan is such a little firecracker. She has grown up so much this year, outside and inside. I am starting to see peeks of the woman she will become and I am loving what I am seeing. She is so kind, loving, and gentle, but also doesn't stand for any BS. That's a trait that will serve her well in life I think! She is always looking out for her brother, who she loves more than anyone, and who is her "bestest friend". Without these children, and my husband, I would have no chance of being the person that I am today. I am blessed beyond belief to have them in my life.
-A little green thumb
Our garden was so amazing this year! I felt it was thrown together at the last minute, because we had so much work to do to get it started this year, and I was still recovering from surgery in the spring. So I was especially pleased to see how well we did with so many of the plants. There were failures for sure, we didn't shade our peppers enough so we lost nearly the whole crop to sunburn during our freak heat wave. We grew too many cucumbers and cherry tomatoes, and not enough broccoli or regular tomatoes. There were a lot of things that I wanted to plant that we didn't, and we never got around to a fall garden or making a cold frame. But we learned so much about what not to do that I have high hopes for this next years garden. It will be our 3rd year gardening and I think its going to be our best ever.
-Learning something new
I learned a lot about canning this year, again through success and failures. Prior to this year, I had only canned strawberry jam and applesauce. After this last canning season, I now have canning peaches, apple butter, and spiced apple rings under my belt. We bought a pressure canner this summer, but haven't gotten around to using it. I think that's going to open up a whole new world of possibilities. This coming year, I would like to can pears, peach jam, possibly peach butter, salsa, tomato sauce, soup, beans, possibly meat, and whatever else we find that sounds interesting.
A few other things I learned this year:
How to crochet, although I have yet to sit down and make anything substantial yet.
How to build a chicken coop, through a series of hilarious mistakes and mess ups.
How to get a garden ready for spring and for fall.
How to use my oven as a dehydrator, something I will be utilizing more next year.
How to survive a 7 hour car ride (twice!) with 3 children in my backseat. I don't think I will be doing that again anytime soon :)
-The House of Harlow
After the chickens were gone, there was definitely a hole in our family, a feeling that something was missing. But in the past we haven't had the best luck with animals, adopting and returning 2 dogs and 2 cats in the past few years. There were good reasons for them all; the dogs were both young and too aggressive (both biting Rowan fairly hard), one of the cats peed everywhere in the house except her litter box, and the other cat took to meowing incessantly all night long, waking everyone in the house. They all went back to no kill shelters, so I don't feel too horrible about things not working out with our house. But I certainly don't want to teach the kids that animals are disposable, so we wanted to be really careful with our next choice. We waited, and talked as a family, and turned down a lot of prospective cats (we are waiting until Rowan is a little older to introduce another dog). Finally, we found our perfect match, in a rescue kitten named Harlow. She is by far the best cat that I have ever had, with the possible exception on my childhood cat Mitzie. Harlow is sweet with the kids, tolerating constant picking up and "loving" by Rowan, she snuggles in bed between Matthew and I at night, and has no bad habits to speak of. She brings our family so many smiles and so much happiness, I just cant imagine our lives without her. There is a deep connection with her that we haven't felt with any of the other animals, and there isn't anything we wouldn't do to keep little Harlow in our family.
-Finding the silver lining
Being diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 30 this year was definitely a very low low. But honestly, its also been one of my highest highs. I have learned so much about myself and re-evaluated so many things in my life and I think the path I am on now is the one I should have been on all along. I am finding it easier to be true to myself, knowing that the future isn't guaranteed, and its really is now or never. Thinking in those terms, why wouldn't I go out and grab what I want in life, try the things I have always been scared to try, and make the most of every moment that I have? Why would I want to be sidelined by fear, by worry, by insecurity? Those are things of the past. And things of the future? I will let it come as it may - I am learning not to worry to much about that either. So that leaves me with this one day, today. And I am doing my best to make the most of each and every one of them. Without the threat of cancer, I think I would be doing the same things I have always done, looking at life the same way I always did. So for this new awareness, I am eternally grateful. I hope that I do justice to this second chance.
-Forging new bonds
This really has been a year of new beginnings for us, one of the most notable being new friendships. Growing up my parents never had any friends, and we had no family other than the four of us. We lived, looking back, a life of isolation, and I don't think that's a good thing for kids. Its always been really important to me for our kids to grow up in a house that celebrates relationships with family and friends. I think kids can learn a lot (good and bad) by observing adult relationships and interactions. Matthew and I are both shy people though, so before this year, we didn't really have a group of friends to interact with. We had Aimee, and her family, and we did try to get together with them often but sometimes that was a challenge. It wasn't until early summer that Matthew and I both kind of shed our shyness and decided to put ourselves out there and grab what we (mostly I) wanted - a close group of friends and family to share experiences and fun with. Luckily for us, last year we moved next door to some pretty awesome people, and over the course of this year we have had a great time getting to know Wade and Jessica, and their kids. Some pretty fun times have been had outside on warm summer nights, sharing beer and laughter. Earlier this year I also reconnected with a long lost friend, someone who I have known for about 9 years, but only just got to know again this year after a 2 year hiatus. I am so glad I took that first step to reconnect with her. It was hard, and I was so scared of the possible rejection, but the experience has taught me that if you want something in life, you just have to suck it up and go for it. Tanya has changed my life in ways that I never dreamed of, and I am so grateful for her unwavering friendship. We have both changed so much during the time we spent apart, myself especially. I feel like our friendship now is better than it ever could have been before - time does indeed heal all wounds....and it gives people (me!) a chance to grow up when they need too. We have also formed a closer bond with Matthews sister Michelle and her boyfriend Jason who prior to this year we only saw for holidays and birthdays. I have really enjoyed spending more time with them, and getting to know them better. A lot of fun was had this late summer when we started having monthly game nights. They were such a great opportunity for all of us adults to get together, and for the kids to have their friends over. I am so glad that we did them, and I am really looking forward to more once warmer weather comes. I also have a couple new friends in my life that aren't part of our usual group, but that I am really enjoying getting to know. Its funny how people can come into your life in the strangest of ways. I have enjoyed spending time with these women, and I am looking forward to where the new year will take these relationships. One last thing that has dawned on me, just in the past few days, is that there can always be too much of a good thing. The last few months have found us hosting party after party and while they were so much fun, it also got to be a bit overwhelming. I realized that while I like to plan parties that involve everyone, sometimes one on one is the better way to go. And sometimes, its better to do things with only my family, just the four of us. Its a balancing act that I hope to perfect this coming year.
-Keeping our heads in the clouds
One thing that we never have a shortage of around my house is dreams. Especially between Matthew and I as we dream and plan for our future. One of the things that I love most about our friendship is that we both feel comfortable sharing our wildest hopes and dreams for the future. Its so much fun thinking and planning vacations, home improvements, and little things around the house with him. I think the family that dreams together, stays together! Dreams to me are like goals that just haven't begun to be implemented yet - they are essential to a fulfilled life. This has been a year of dreams just beginning to be realized. I think at some point this year we really just decided that we need to go for what we want in life, and not wait around for the "right time". The cancer stuff really hit this home with me....what on earth are we waiting for? Life is to be grabbed by the horns and ran with, something I fully intend on doing in 2010. No more waiting by the sidelines watching our lives go by! I am excited to look back at what we have accomplished, and to look foward to all that we will do this coming year.
So, looking back it would seem that the balance between highs and lows is solidly on the high side. I think its been a good year, I am hoping for 2010 to be a great year. Its a blank canvas right now, and its up to us to make it all that we hope for it to be. I think we can do it. I KNOW we can do it!
The Lows:
-Cancer is a real bitch
Easy to choose this as the first low on my list. Even now when I look back 10 long months to the morning of Feb. 2nd, answering the phone call that changed my life, it is hard for me to fully express what I was feeling. I was shocked, I was in complete and utter disbelief but at the same time felt a strange acceptance as if I knew in my heart all along that this had been something serious. I was scared out of my mind, and for the first few days that was my one overpowering emotion. I wasn't so much scared for me, although I have a lot of life yet that I want to live. I was scared for my children, of the possibility of them having to go through their young lives without me. That is a feeling of terror and paralyzation that perhaps only a mother can truly understand. After a few days, the mother bear side of me came fighting to the surface, saying "oh no you don't - no fucking way" to the cancer in my body. I was determined to fight with everything I had, to do everything and anything that I needed to do to stay with my family. I was extraordinarily blessed to get the diagnosis that I did when a few days later I got the results of my PET scan. The cancer was localized in my lung, and could be removed (along with half of my right lung) with surgery. To hear that it wasn't found anywhere else in my body was the biggest relief that I have ever felt in my life. Still, I knew that I was in for a rough time. The surgery, and the couple months that it took to recover afterwards was easily the lowest point in my life. I was in constant pain, both physically and emotionally. Because after the surgery was done, now the fear was (is) "will it come back". That fear consumed me inwardly for a good part of this year. It was only after my last CT scan in November that showed my lungs were still clear that I felt that fear falling away, piece by piece. I have to admit, there are times when it is still a dark cloud over my mind, but I am slowly getting better at living in the moment, and not the past or the future. This experience has changed me, and my family, in ways that I never thought possible.
-Finding their way
There are two people in our extended family that are struggling so hard to find their way this year. One is fighting addiction, and one is struggling with life's responsibilities. They are two people that we love so very much, and its painful for us to watch them go down the paths that they are choosing. As a family we have tried to step in, to offer encouragement and strength, ideas and solutions, but its been nothing but a lesson in patience. We have had to realize that we are unable to make them change, grow up, or make the right choices before they are ready to. So that leaves us with just one option. To love them through it. When they need us, we will be here, we will support them in the ways that we can, and always hold them in our hearts. I hope that the new year brings new hope to their lives.
-Our little feathered friends
In early spring of this year, we chose five little peeping chicks from the feed store, and brought them home to be our backyard chickens. We knew at the start that chickens were "illegal" where we live, but we figured that nobody would hear/see them or complain about them. We loved those chickens so much, they were part of our family and we spent so much time playing with them and laughing at their antics. The day came when they started laying eggs, which was the reason we had wanted them originally, and we were all so excited. Our happiness was short lived when a day later we had code enforcement at our door saying that someone had complained about them, and giving us a week to get rid of them. The whole family was devastated, even Matthew who had not been to keen on having them at the start. Luckily we found them two really great homes, with families that love them as much as we do. And for me, this story is yet more proof in my life that everything happens for a reason. If I still had the chickens, I wouldn't have had Sarah (who took two of them to live on her farm) or Linda (who we get eggs from now) come into my life, and I am so grateful for their friendships that I am nearly at peace with what it took to get them here. If the laws ever change though, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to get some more chicks and do the whole thing over again-this time with a different end result!
-Heartbreak and healing
I never talked about it on here, because I haven't felt like this was the appropriate forum, but late this summer my friendship with someone who felt like a sister to me ended. It was an incredibly painful time, and still causes me a lot of heartache and sadness. She and her family meant so much to me, and were part of our lives for nearly two years - we shared everything together. The friendship came to a sudden end, although I think looking back change had been brewing for a couple of months before hand. There had been an incident with our kids that had been really difficult for our friendship to overcome, and feelings were hurt on both sides. There was awkwardness, and unsureness, jealousy and untruthfulness, and in the end it proved too much for an already fragile friendship to bear. The final straw were words and comments that hurt me so deeply I completely shut down and walked away. If I could go back in time, I would have taken a few days to really think about what was happening, and make a decision when I was calm enough to do so rationally. But at the time I just couldn't see past my hurt and the trust I suddenly lost in someone I had held so dear. For a few weeks after the "breakup" I continued to read her blog, although I was trying to find sneaky ways to do it so that she wouldn't know I still cared. But I realized pretty quickly that it only made me feel worse to see what she was up to, and I made the decision to not read it anymore. Its been hard as I often wonder what she is up to and how her family is doing. I secretly hope that one day we will talk again, when we have both grown and are better able to reflect back on what went wrong. If that day never comes though, I am at peace with that. People change, and they grow apart, and its just a part of life and relationships that nobody can avoid. I learned so much through this experience, and I am choosing to look back at the good, ignore the bad, and be thankful for the friendship that we had. I wish her only the best in her life, and hope that she finds all the happiness that she deserves.
-Family is what you make it
I also learned this year that just because someone is related to you does not automatically mean that you are family. That someone may love you, but also have no qualms about hurting you. These are revelations that have brought me profound sadness, but also a overwhelming desire to work harder to make my family now better than the one I grew up in. I haven't spoken to my parents in nearly 16 months, although they live less than 20 minutes from my house. In September of last year, I choose to sever my relationship with my mother, in order to protect my children from her mental and emotional abuse, as well as to save myself from all the heartache she brought upon our family. I know at some point in my life she really did want the best for me, and I can appreciate those memories. But I also know that in the last 6-7 years she has been becoming someone who I don't recognize anymore. She is a bitter, jealous, delusional, and extremely unhappy woman who I finally realized that I am completely unable to please. She is not like most mothers, something that only a few close people in my life truly understand (they have known her for years, and have seen her in action). Its easy for outsiders to look at the situation and not understand how I could possibly deny my mother the chance to see her grandchildren or her own child. But there are lines that she crossed that I wont go into here...the bottom line is I wont have my children to grow up the way that I did. And honestly, its been a blessing for our family. Our lives are so much more peaceful and so free of drama that looking back I can hardly believed we tolerated her actions for so long. My dad however, is another story altogether. I miss him with all my heart. I don't really understand why he decided not to step up and fight for a relationship with me or the kids. He hasn't tried to see us, call us, or write us. I would welcome my dad back with open arms, and told him as much the last day I saw him. All little girls grow up believing that their dad would do anything for them, and its sad to realize that's not the case for me. My dad will be 70 this coming year, and I am scared that he is going to die without me getting to say goodbye, but I don't know quite how to rectify the situation. I am not willing to accept my mother back into my life and I don't know how I can get him back without doing that. Maybe this coming year one of us will find a way to heal our broken relationship.
When I was diagnosed with cancer this spring, and during and after my surgery, all I could think of was my family, or lack there of. For all intents and purposes, I don't have my parents available to me, so that leaves only my twin brother, who lives in Spokane with his wife, about 6 hours away from us. We have gone through varying stages of closeness in our lives, settling recently into a out of site, out of mind sort of relationship. I decided that this was the year that we would be closer, that we would finally have a great brother/sister relationship. I feel like I really put forward a good effort, but unfortunately it wasn't well received and the already fragile relationship between us has now deteriorated to next to nothing. It saddens me immensely that I have no real connection with anyone in my blood family. Especially when I so strongly believe that family is all you really ever have, and that you should always be able to count on them, if nobody else. But this year I have had to come to grips with the facts - you cant help people who don't want help, and that you cant force someone to be in your life if they don't want to be there. Through that realization I have come to a very clear understanding of what I do not want for my family, or for my children. I hope that this knowledge will help me to forge strong bonds with my children, and them with each other, so that history will not repeat itself.
The HIGHS!!
-My family is my everything
I don't think I could have made it through this year without having the support and love of Matthew and the kids. Matthew stepped up in a way that blew my mind when I was sick, always helping to calm my fears, to see the bright side, to keep me sane. He ran this house without a blip while I was recovering, and I am SO proud of that man. I feel so blessed to have married someone who loves his family so much, who shows his love in all the little and big things he does to support us. I truly can not imagine my life without him, especially after this year. I told him after my diagnosis that I knew one reason why God had brought him into my life...and it was because he was the only person that could have possibly walked this journey with me. Through sickness and in health, he is my rock, my constant, my soul mate. The love and respect that I have for him could never be captured in words, although I try because I want him to know just how much I love him. And my kids....my sweet little babies. Killian knows that I had cancer, and he has been so brave throughout this whole experience. He is a tender and sweet young man, and I am so very proud of who he is becoming. Not that its all happiness and light with him! He is finding who he is in the world, and sometimes that comes with a lot of sassy talk and rude behavior. But I am confident that he will become all that I have hoped for....and probably more. Rowan is such a little firecracker. She has grown up so much this year, outside and inside. I am starting to see peeks of the woman she will become and I am loving what I am seeing. She is so kind, loving, and gentle, but also doesn't stand for any BS. That's a trait that will serve her well in life I think! She is always looking out for her brother, who she loves more than anyone, and who is her "bestest friend". Without these children, and my husband, I would have no chance of being the person that I am today. I am blessed beyond belief to have them in my life.
-A little green thumb
Our garden was so amazing this year! I felt it was thrown together at the last minute, because we had so much work to do to get it started this year, and I was still recovering from surgery in the spring. So I was especially pleased to see how well we did with so many of the plants. There were failures for sure, we didn't shade our peppers enough so we lost nearly the whole crop to sunburn during our freak heat wave. We grew too many cucumbers and cherry tomatoes, and not enough broccoli or regular tomatoes. There were a lot of things that I wanted to plant that we didn't, and we never got around to a fall garden or making a cold frame. But we learned so much about what not to do that I have high hopes for this next years garden. It will be our 3rd year gardening and I think its going to be our best ever.
-Learning something new
I learned a lot about canning this year, again through success and failures. Prior to this year, I had only canned strawberry jam and applesauce. After this last canning season, I now have canning peaches, apple butter, and spiced apple rings under my belt. We bought a pressure canner this summer, but haven't gotten around to using it. I think that's going to open up a whole new world of possibilities. This coming year, I would like to can pears, peach jam, possibly peach butter, salsa, tomato sauce, soup, beans, possibly meat, and whatever else we find that sounds interesting.
A few other things I learned this year:
How to crochet, although I have yet to sit down and make anything substantial yet.
How to build a chicken coop, through a series of hilarious mistakes and mess ups.
How to get a garden ready for spring and for fall.
How to use my oven as a dehydrator, something I will be utilizing more next year.
How to survive a 7 hour car ride (twice!) with 3 children in my backseat. I don't think I will be doing that again anytime soon :)
-The House of Harlow
After the chickens were gone, there was definitely a hole in our family, a feeling that something was missing. But in the past we haven't had the best luck with animals, adopting and returning 2 dogs and 2 cats in the past few years. There were good reasons for them all; the dogs were both young and too aggressive (both biting Rowan fairly hard), one of the cats peed everywhere in the house except her litter box, and the other cat took to meowing incessantly all night long, waking everyone in the house. They all went back to no kill shelters, so I don't feel too horrible about things not working out with our house. But I certainly don't want to teach the kids that animals are disposable, so we wanted to be really careful with our next choice. We waited, and talked as a family, and turned down a lot of prospective cats (we are waiting until Rowan is a little older to introduce another dog). Finally, we found our perfect match, in a rescue kitten named Harlow. She is by far the best cat that I have ever had, with the possible exception on my childhood cat Mitzie. Harlow is sweet with the kids, tolerating constant picking up and "loving" by Rowan, she snuggles in bed between Matthew and I at night, and has no bad habits to speak of. She brings our family so many smiles and so much happiness, I just cant imagine our lives without her. There is a deep connection with her that we haven't felt with any of the other animals, and there isn't anything we wouldn't do to keep little Harlow in our family.
-Finding the silver lining
Being diagnosed with lung cancer at the age of 30 this year was definitely a very low low. But honestly, its also been one of my highest highs. I have learned so much about myself and re-evaluated so many things in my life and I think the path I am on now is the one I should have been on all along. I am finding it easier to be true to myself, knowing that the future isn't guaranteed, and its really is now or never. Thinking in those terms, why wouldn't I go out and grab what I want in life, try the things I have always been scared to try, and make the most of every moment that I have? Why would I want to be sidelined by fear, by worry, by insecurity? Those are things of the past. And things of the future? I will let it come as it may - I am learning not to worry to much about that either. So that leaves me with this one day, today. And I am doing my best to make the most of each and every one of them. Without the threat of cancer, I think I would be doing the same things I have always done, looking at life the same way I always did. So for this new awareness, I am eternally grateful. I hope that I do justice to this second chance.
-Forging new bonds
This really has been a year of new beginnings for us, one of the most notable being new friendships. Growing up my parents never had any friends, and we had no family other than the four of us. We lived, looking back, a life of isolation, and I don't think that's a good thing for kids. Its always been really important to me for our kids to grow up in a house that celebrates relationships with family and friends. I think kids can learn a lot (good and bad) by observing adult relationships and interactions. Matthew and I are both shy people though, so before this year, we didn't really have a group of friends to interact with. We had Aimee, and her family, and we did try to get together with them often but sometimes that was a challenge. It wasn't until early summer that Matthew and I both kind of shed our shyness and decided to put ourselves out there and grab what we (mostly I) wanted - a close group of friends and family to share experiences and fun with. Luckily for us, last year we moved next door to some pretty awesome people, and over the course of this year we have had a great time getting to know Wade and Jessica, and their kids. Some pretty fun times have been had outside on warm summer nights, sharing beer and laughter. Earlier this year I also reconnected with a long lost friend, someone who I have known for about 9 years, but only just got to know again this year after a 2 year hiatus. I am so glad I took that first step to reconnect with her. It was hard, and I was so scared of the possible rejection, but the experience has taught me that if you want something in life, you just have to suck it up and go for it. Tanya has changed my life in ways that I never dreamed of, and I am so grateful for her unwavering friendship. We have both changed so much during the time we spent apart, myself especially. I feel like our friendship now is better than it ever could have been before - time does indeed heal all wounds....and it gives people (me!) a chance to grow up when they need too. We have also formed a closer bond with Matthews sister Michelle and her boyfriend Jason who prior to this year we only saw for holidays and birthdays. I have really enjoyed spending more time with them, and getting to know them better. A lot of fun was had this late summer when we started having monthly game nights. They were such a great opportunity for all of us adults to get together, and for the kids to have their friends over. I am so glad that we did them, and I am really looking forward to more once warmer weather comes. I also have a couple new friends in my life that aren't part of our usual group, but that I am really enjoying getting to know. Its funny how people can come into your life in the strangest of ways. I have enjoyed spending time with these women, and I am looking forward to where the new year will take these relationships. One last thing that has dawned on me, just in the past few days, is that there can always be too much of a good thing. The last few months have found us hosting party after party and while they were so much fun, it also got to be a bit overwhelming. I realized that while I like to plan parties that involve everyone, sometimes one on one is the better way to go. And sometimes, its better to do things with only my family, just the four of us. Its a balancing act that I hope to perfect this coming year.
-Keeping our heads in the clouds
One thing that we never have a shortage of around my house is dreams. Especially between Matthew and I as we dream and plan for our future. One of the things that I love most about our friendship is that we both feel comfortable sharing our wildest hopes and dreams for the future. Its so much fun thinking and planning vacations, home improvements, and little things around the house with him. I think the family that dreams together, stays together! Dreams to me are like goals that just haven't begun to be implemented yet - they are essential to a fulfilled life. This has been a year of dreams just beginning to be realized. I think at some point this year we really just decided that we need to go for what we want in life, and not wait around for the "right time". The cancer stuff really hit this home with me....what on earth are we waiting for? Life is to be grabbed by the horns and ran with, something I fully intend on doing in 2010. No more waiting by the sidelines watching our lives go by! I am excited to look back at what we have accomplished, and to look foward to all that we will do this coming year.
So, looking back it would seem that the balance between highs and lows is solidly on the high side. I think its been a good year, I am hoping for 2010 to be a great year. Its a blank canvas right now, and its up to us to make it all that we hope for it to be. I think we can do it. I KNOW we can do it!