The one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis was yesterday. I have been thinking about it and watching the calendar for the past couple weeks, ever since it registered with me that the date was coming up. I wasn't sure what emotions I would be feeling, and what thoughts would be going through my head. The whole day ended up having a very surreal feel to it. It was such a life changing day for me, one that I don't think I will ever forget, and as I sat recalling how I had felt a year ago, waves of all kinds of emotions washed over me.
Sadness, at how hopeless I felt at first, and for the loss of an innocence that I don't think I will ever get back. I cant ever walk blindly through life, thinking that nothing bad can touch me. I am always on guard, always aware of what could be....and sometimes I miss how easy it is to be naive.
Fear, because you never truly know where the future will lead you and I cant help but wonder if I will ever feel that sinking, crushing, breath stealing feeling when I heard the words "its cancer". I pray every day for that to be the one thing I never ever feel again.
Heartache, for the families of people who haven't have the same outcome that I have. A very good friend of mine is will be attending a funeral on Friday for her sister in law, who lost her long battle with breast cancer just a few weeks ago. That is the sobering reality of cancer, and every time I think about the pain her family is in, I am overwhelmed with sadness.
Amazement, when I look at just how far I have come from the days following my diagnosis and surgery. At the time I couldn't even imagine having a normal life ever again, of having a minute go by without me thinking about dying and about how badly I wanted to live. But you know what? Slowly, ever so slowly, that single minute of time became 5 minutes. And those 5 minutes became an hour. And it just kept going like that, until I stand here now looking back, and realize that I have had whole days where I didn't think about being a cancer survivor. Whole days! That in itself is such an amazing thing to me, and it really shows how far I have come on this journey.
Gratefulness, for the family and friends that we had to surround us with love at the time, and the same people who continue to love and support us now. I know that we could have made it through this without them...but I wouldn't have wanted to. From our family watching the kids while I was in the hospital, to the friends who brought us dinners the first few weeks that I was home, they all played a part in my recovery, and in my healing. I am eternally grateful to each and everyone of them.
Hope, for my future, and for my family. Hope for a healthy body that will remain free of sickness and disease. Hope that I will be able to watch my children grow up, get married, and have children of their own. Hope that I will grow old, get gray hair and have wrinkles. I have never wanted those things so badly in my life.
But the most overwhelming emotion I had yesterday was simply happiness. I could not be more content or feel more positive about my life right now. I am simply in a really wonderful place, and you know - I think I owe a lot of it to that single day, one long year ago. Because while I mourned the life that I lost, I wouldn't change anything that has happened if it meant that I had to give back the life that I have now. I just would not be the same person that I am now if I hadn't faced that diagnosis, if I hadn't had been forced to find out just how strong I was, and if I hadn't have become the survivor that I am today.
So today, I am celebrating my one year anniversary. Its not a day to feel sadness and heartache. Because this is the anniversary of the first day of the rest of my life...and I couldn't be happier to be celebrating it.
Sadness, at how hopeless I felt at first, and for the loss of an innocence that I don't think I will ever get back. I cant ever walk blindly through life, thinking that nothing bad can touch me. I am always on guard, always aware of what could be....and sometimes I miss how easy it is to be naive.
Fear, because you never truly know where the future will lead you and I cant help but wonder if I will ever feel that sinking, crushing, breath stealing feeling when I heard the words "its cancer". I pray every day for that to be the one thing I never ever feel again.
Heartache, for the families of people who haven't have the same outcome that I have. A very good friend of mine is will be attending a funeral on Friday for her sister in law, who lost her long battle with breast cancer just a few weeks ago. That is the sobering reality of cancer, and every time I think about the pain her family is in, I am overwhelmed with sadness.
Amazement, when I look at just how far I have come from the days following my diagnosis and surgery. At the time I couldn't even imagine having a normal life ever again, of having a minute go by without me thinking about dying and about how badly I wanted to live. But you know what? Slowly, ever so slowly, that single minute of time became 5 minutes. And those 5 minutes became an hour. And it just kept going like that, until I stand here now looking back, and realize that I have had whole days where I didn't think about being a cancer survivor. Whole days! That in itself is such an amazing thing to me, and it really shows how far I have come on this journey.
Gratefulness, for the family and friends that we had to surround us with love at the time, and the same people who continue to love and support us now. I know that we could have made it through this without them...but I wouldn't have wanted to. From our family watching the kids while I was in the hospital, to the friends who brought us dinners the first few weeks that I was home, they all played a part in my recovery, and in my healing. I am eternally grateful to each and everyone of them.
Hope, for my future, and for my family. Hope for a healthy body that will remain free of sickness and disease. Hope that I will be able to watch my children grow up, get married, and have children of their own. Hope that I will grow old, get gray hair and have wrinkles. I have never wanted those things so badly in my life.
But the most overwhelming emotion I had yesterday was simply happiness. I could not be more content or feel more positive about my life right now. I am simply in a really wonderful place, and you know - I think I owe a lot of it to that single day, one long year ago. Because while I mourned the life that I lost, I wouldn't change anything that has happened if it meant that I had to give back the life that I have now. I just would not be the same person that I am now if I hadn't faced that diagnosis, if I hadn't had been forced to find out just how strong I was, and if I hadn't have become the survivor that I am today.
So today, I am celebrating my one year anniversary. Its not a day to feel sadness and heartache. Because this is the anniversary of the first day of the rest of my life...and I couldn't be happier to be celebrating it.