Step 1:
Plan a fun camp out sleepover with a friend and her kids. Suggest that you make smores for the kids during the camp out. Head to the store to buy firewood for the camp out. Its really important here that you not only get the biggest package of firewood you can find, but also that you find one with a semi loose plastic wrap barely holding the whole thing together. That's an important detail for later. Purchase necessary items for smores, along with your loosely packaged bundle of wood, and go outside to your car. Open your trunk, and insert groceries. Now, don't do anything crazy like using two hands while lifting your bundle of firewood! Instead, try multitasking by lifting the package by the end with just one hand, while directing children and gesturing wildly with your keys in the other hand. Hold the package high above your feet and pause just long enough for the biggest piece of wood to come plummeting out of the bundle, at high speed, directly onto your big toe. The piece of wood should resemble this one in size:
You may have to move quickly to get your toe perfectly under the wood, so that the full force of the 4.5 pound log is felt by your small and vulnerable toe. Immediately drop to the ground and start crying uncontrollably....because this will HURT. Drive home, and wait teary eyed for your husband to get home so that you can whine and be miserable in the company of others. Proceed to step 2.
Step 2:
Sleep on it. Assume your toe will be better in the morning. When it looks like this the next morning, don't overreact:
Don't assume you need medical attention, because a little bruising is to be expected, right? It will feel like a truck ran over it, and you will probably want to start limping and gimping around the house at this point. Whatever you do, don't allow the pain to make you give in to what your friends and family are trying to tell you to do. Which will probably be to head to the urgent care. Resist!! Instead, walk around on your foot all day long, and watch your toe swell up like a little water balloon. You can try taking a Vicodin at this point to ease the unimaginable pain radiating around your foot, but don't actually expect it to work. Because it wont. Continue gimping and limping, and throw in some tears throughout the day. Because what you thought was pain yesterday will be nothing compared to what you are feeling today. Your foot will throb, it will burn, it will start to feel quite a bit numb. So numb in fact that you may start to get a little worried. So worried that you may decide late in the afternoon that a call to an advice nurse couldn't hurt. And when the advice nurse tells you to head straight to the urgent care, DO NOT sit around and wait for your husband to get home to watch the kids. Decide that you are tough enough to take them with you, and that they are tough enough to handle what is coming. Arrive with both kids at the urgent care, and settle in to wait. Once you finally see a doctor, don't fret when she tells you that she is going to try to relieve some of the pressure in your toe by making a small needle hole in it. You should have googled this and gotten significantly freaked out before hand anyways. When she starts twirling a needle through your big toe, take some deep breaths. And when she mutters "Hmmmm...nothing seems to be coming out" and proceeds to squeeze your throbbing toe with all her might, trying to force blood out, don't clench up your hands and make noises like you are in pain. This will only cause your son, who has been watching intently the whole time, to pass out. He should pass completely out, so that his glasses fall to the floor and alarm his little sister. When he comes to, he will proclaim that he feels very sick to his stomach, and he will need to head to the nearest bathroom with you hobbling along behind him. At this point, you should abandon all efforts to relieve the pain in your toe, pack your stuff up and head home with a very pale and queasy feeling little boy. Resume popping pain pills and crying about your situation to anyone who will listen to you. At this point, your toe should be swollen and should have started changing to funny colors. The toenail should be blue and the rest of the toe should be bright red with funny purple splotches on the underside:
Step 3:
The next afternoon (you will have been suffering for 2.5 long days at this point) decide that the first urgent care doctor was whack, and head to a different urgent care in seek of some relief. You should have both kids in tow again, because you will need someone to hold your purse while you swing around on the crutches the doctor ordered the night before. Settle in for a long wait at the urgent care, and fight back the tears that will surely be coming at this point. Remember that you have been here before, and it wasn't pretty. It will be very helpful at this point if you get a nice doctor, a doctor who assures you that he can and will do a *much* better job than the previous doctor did. Send the kids outside (see you have learned something!!) while the doctor busts out his electrocautery machine. Expect this to look a bit like a Dremel tool, but with a glowing red hot needle at the end. Take a deep breath and wait for the doctor to burn the needle through your toenail and into your very sensitive nail bed. Hold back any screams or crying you may want to do at that point. Feel a rush of fear when he murmurs "Weird, I expected the blood to be gushing out of here" and hold onto your seat again while he cauterizes yet another hole in your toe. Feel like jumping for joy when the blood does start gushing out of your foot. The relief will be almost immediate, and the blood will be flowing. Resist the urge to propose to this wonderful man who has just taken all your pain away. Hobble out with a bloody bandage, a weeping appendage, and two small children. Your toe will look much worse, but feel so incredibly good that you wont care:
Step 4:
Wait. Time is on your side here. The doctor should have mentioned that the probability of losing your toenail was very high. Numerous people will delight in telling you about the time they lost a toe or fingernail, and most will look at your own toe in aw and whisper "But mine never looked as bad as yours does". That probably wont comfort you, nor will the idea of having a ugly toenail less big toe on an already ratty looking foot. But you are already at step 4, so there is no turning back now. Kids have fainted for this! Crutches have been used and armpit bruises have resulted because of this! You cant give up now. Take a picture of your toe at 2 weeks out just for fun. Your toenail will still be hanging on....but probably not for long if you have followed the above steps!!
Plan a fun camp out sleepover with a friend and her kids. Suggest that you make smores for the kids during the camp out. Head to the store to buy firewood for the camp out. Its really important here that you not only get the biggest package of firewood you can find, but also that you find one with a semi loose plastic wrap barely holding the whole thing together. That's an important detail for later. Purchase necessary items for smores, along with your loosely packaged bundle of wood, and go outside to your car. Open your trunk, and insert groceries. Now, don't do anything crazy like using two hands while lifting your bundle of firewood! Instead, try multitasking by lifting the package by the end with just one hand, while directing children and gesturing wildly with your keys in the other hand. Hold the package high above your feet and pause just long enough for the biggest piece of wood to come plummeting out of the bundle, at high speed, directly onto your big toe. The piece of wood should resemble this one in size:
You may have to move quickly to get your toe perfectly under the wood, so that the full force of the 4.5 pound log is felt by your small and vulnerable toe. Immediately drop to the ground and start crying uncontrollably....because this will HURT. Drive home, and wait teary eyed for your husband to get home so that you can whine and be miserable in the company of others. Proceed to step 2.
Step 2:
Sleep on it. Assume your toe will be better in the morning. When it looks like this the next morning, don't overreact:
Don't assume you need medical attention, because a little bruising is to be expected, right? It will feel like a truck ran over it, and you will probably want to start limping and gimping around the house at this point. Whatever you do, don't allow the pain to make you give in to what your friends and family are trying to tell you to do. Which will probably be to head to the urgent care. Resist!! Instead, walk around on your foot all day long, and watch your toe swell up like a little water balloon. You can try taking a Vicodin at this point to ease the unimaginable pain radiating around your foot, but don't actually expect it to work. Because it wont. Continue gimping and limping, and throw in some tears throughout the day. Because what you thought was pain yesterday will be nothing compared to what you are feeling today. Your foot will throb, it will burn, it will start to feel quite a bit numb. So numb in fact that you may start to get a little worried. So worried that you may decide late in the afternoon that a call to an advice nurse couldn't hurt. And when the advice nurse tells you to head straight to the urgent care, DO NOT sit around and wait for your husband to get home to watch the kids. Decide that you are tough enough to take them with you, and that they are tough enough to handle what is coming. Arrive with both kids at the urgent care, and settle in to wait. Once you finally see a doctor, don't fret when she tells you that she is going to try to relieve some of the pressure in your toe by making a small needle hole in it. You should have googled this and gotten significantly freaked out before hand anyways. When she starts twirling a needle through your big toe, take some deep breaths. And when she mutters "Hmmmm...nothing seems to be coming out" and proceeds to squeeze your throbbing toe with all her might, trying to force blood out, don't clench up your hands and make noises like you are in pain. This will only cause your son, who has been watching intently the whole time, to pass out. He should pass completely out, so that his glasses fall to the floor and alarm his little sister. When he comes to, he will proclaim that he feels very sick to his stomach, and he will need to head to the nearest bathroom with you hobbling along behind him. At this point, you should abandon all efforts to relieve the pain in your toe, pack your stuff up and head home with a very pale and queasy feeling little boy. Resume popping pain pills and crying about your situation to anyone who will listen to you. At this point, your toe should be swollen and should have started changing to funny colors. The toenail should be blue and the rest of the toe should be bright red with funny purple splotches on the underside:
Step 3:
The next afternoon (you will have been suffering for 2.5 long days at this point) decide that the first urgent care doctor was whack, and head to a different urgent care in seek of some relief. You should have both kids in tow again, because you will need someone to hold your purse while you swing around on the crutches the doctor ordered the night before. Settle in for a long wait at the urgent care, and fight back the tears that will surely be coming at this point. Remember that you have been here before, and it wasn't pretty. It will be very helpful at this point if you get a nice doctor, a doctor who assures you that he can and will do a *much* better job than the previous doctor did. Send the kids outside (see you have learned something!!) while the doctor busts out his electrocautery machine. Expect this to look a bit like a Dremel tool, but with a glowing red hot needle at the end. Take a deep breath and wait for the doctor to burn the needle through your toenail and into your very sensitive nail bed. Hold back any screams or crying you may want to do at that point. Feel a rush of fear when he murmurs "Weird, I expected the blood to be gushing out of here" and hold onto your seat again while he cauterizes yet another hole in your toe. Feel like jumping for joy when the blood does start gushing out of your foot. The relief will be almost immediate, and the blood will be flowing. Resist the urge to propose to this wonderful man who has just taken all your pain away. Hobble out with a bloody bandage, a weeping appendage, and two small children. Your toe will look much worse, but feel so incredibly good that you wont care:
Step 4:
Wait. Time is on your side here. The doctor should have mentioned that the probability of losing your toenail was very high. Numerous people will delight in telling you about the time they lost a toe or fingernail, and most will look at your own toe in aw and whisper "But mine never looked as bad as yours does". That probably wont comfort you, nor will the idea of having a ugly toenail less big toe on an already ratty looking foot. But you are already at step 4, so there is no turning back now. Kids have fainted for this! Crutches have been used and armpit bruises have resulted because of this! You cant give up now. Take a picture of your toe at 2 weeks out just for fun. Your toenail will still be hanging on....but probably not for long if you have followed the above steps!!
